


The Ultimate Question

by Canso99



Series: Series One-offs [6]
Category: Kamen Rider - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:00:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27010882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canso99/pseuds/Canso99
Summary: Richard's trying to figure out a baseball team and Death is trying to answer his question.
Series: Series One-offs [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1735669





	The Ultimate Question

Death hums to herself as she tidies her room. Enter Richard.

Richard: Hello?

Death: Ah, Richard! Good to see you!

Richard: I thought I saw some flyers for baseball tryouts for this year.

Death: A lovely sport, no? Go Yankees!

Richard: Yankees suck.

Death: You only say that because the Red Sox are the underdogs of baseball.

Richard: Not lately. In any case, I didn’t know After Academy had a baseball team.

Death: Oh, we’re hardly the BEST in the multiverse, but we ARE one of the best.

Richard: Are any alums gonna see the tryouts?

Death: Why, yes. The class of Age 3,017,422, I believe.

Richard: What are their names? I wanna meet them and get some advice.

Death: An excellent choice. However, I must warn you, they do have strange names.

Richard: Like nicknames?

Death: Exactly, like Dizzy Dean.

Richard: And Daffy.

Death: Ah, you ARE familiar with the idea. Yes, cannot forget Dizzy’s brother, Daffy.

Richard: Or their French cousin.

Death: French?

Richard: Goofé.

Death: Oh, yes, Goofé Dean. How silly of me. Now, let’s see, the class of Age 3,017,422, we had Who’s on First, What’s on Second, I Don’t Know’s on Third.

Richard: Wait, what? That’s what I’M asking. What are their names?

Death: I’m telling you; Who’s on First, What’s on Second, I Don’t Know’s on Third.

Richard: You, of all people, don’t know their names?

Death: Yes.

Richard: Then who’s played First?

Death: Yes.

Richard: I mean, the guy who played first.

Death: Who.

Richard: The guy that was First.

Death: Who.

Richard: The guy that was First Baseman for After Academy’s baseball team.

Death: Who was on First!

Richard: ...What are you asking me for?

Death: I’m not asking you; I’m TELLING you! Who’s on First!

Richard: I’m asking YOU who’s on First!

Death: That’s the Tarlaxian’s name!

Richard: That’s whose name?!

Death: Yes!

Richard: So, go ahead and tell me!

Death: Who!

Richard: The Tarlaxian that played First!

Death: Who!

Richard: The First Baseman!

Death: Who was on First!

Richard: Did you have a First Baseman?!

Death: Yes! A Tarlaxian!

Richard: Then who played it?!

Death: Absolutely!

Richard: ...When you paid off the First Baseman, who got the money?!

Death: Every stud of it!

Richard: ...Look, when you paid off the First Baseman, did you get a receipt from the guy?

Death: Of course.

Richard: How did he sign it?

Death: Who.

Richard: The guy.

Death: That’s how he signs it!

Richard: That’s how WHO signs it?!

Death: Yes!

Richard: ...So who got the money?

Death: Why shouldn’t he? Sometimes his husband came to collect it.

Richard: Whose husband?!

Death: Yes! After all, he earned it!

Richard: Who did?

Death: Absolutely.

Richard: Look, Death, all I want to know is what was the guy that played First?

Death: Oh no, you don’t! What was on Second!

Richard: I’m not asking you who’s on Second!

Death: No, Who’s on First!

Richard: That’s what I’m trying to figure out!

Death: Well, don’t change them around!

Richard: Who’s changing who around?!

Death: You did! He played First!

Richard: What played First?!

Death: No, What played Second!

Richard: ...I’m not asking you who’s Second!

Death: Who was First!

Richard: I don’t know!

Death: Oh, she played Third. You seem to know the old...

Richard: Hold on a minute, Grimmy! Now, HOW did I get on Third Base?

Death: You mentioned her name!

Richard: ...I mentioned her name?

Death: Yes!

Richard: If I mentioned her name, who did I say played Third?

Death: No! Who played First!

Richard: Will you stay off of First already?! One Base at a time! Now, what’s the guy’s name on Third Base?!

Death: No, What’s on Second!

Richard: I’m not asking who’s on Second!

Death: Who’s on First!

Richard: I don’t know!

Death: She’s on Third.

Richard: There I go, back to Third!

Death: Well, I can’t help that!

Richard: Death, will you PLEASE stay on Third!

Death: Look, can you keep the names straight, for me? The players would be offended if you called them the wrong names.

Richard: Then what was the Third Baseman’s name?!

Death: What was Second!

Richard: I’m not asking who’s Second!

Death: Who’s First!

Richard: I don’t know! Don’t tell me, she’s Third! Look, forget the Bases. Did they have an Outfield?

Death: Of course, they did!

Richard: They had a good Outfield supporting them?

Death: They had a GREAT Outfield!

Richard: The Left Fielder?

Death: Why.

Richard: ...I’m not sure, I just figured I’d ask you.

Death: Well, I just figured I’d tell you.

Richard: Then who played Left Field?!

Death: Who played First!

Richard: I didn’t...WILL YOU STAY OUT OF THE INFIELD?! I WANNA KNOW WHAT’S THE LEFT FIELDER!

Death: No, What’s Second!

Richard: I’m not asking who’s Second!

Death: Who’s on First!

Richard: I don’t know! Third Base! Now, the Left Fielder’s name!

Death: Why!

Richard: BECAUSE!

Death: Oh, they were Center Field.

Richard: GOOD GOD! (Catches breath) Look, forget the fieldsmen. Did that team have a Pitcher?

Death: A baseball team without a Pitcher? That’s logical.

Richard: The Pitcher’s name?

Death: Tomorrow.

Richard: ...So, you DON’T want to tell me now?

Death: I just told you a few seconds ago!

Richard: What did you tell me?!

Death: The Pitcher’s name!

Richard: All right, what’s their name?

Death: Tomorrow.

Richard: All right, at what tick of the clock?

Death: Going Elizabethan, are we? All right, At what tick of what clock, Good Sir?

Richard: At what tick of the clock tomorrow does my Queen expect to know who hath been the Pitcher?!

Death: Now, listen, Who did NOT pitch! Who was...!

Richard: YOU TELL ME WHO’S FIRST ONCE MORE AND I’LL SNAP YOUR SCYTHE IN HALF! (Calms down) Did that team have a Catcher?

Death: It did.

Richard: The Catcher’s name?

Death: Today.

Richard: ...Today? And Tomorrow’s the Pitcher?

Death: Now you get it!

Richard: Apparently, the team had a couple of days!

Death: They made that choice!

Richard: Look, Death, I’d like to play for this year’s baseball team.

Death: Splendid! What position?

Richard: The Catcher. Now, let me draw up a hypothetical scenario where the old team shows us young’uns how it’s done. They decide to test my catching abilities, so Tomorrow is pitching again. Now, a heavy hitter gets up and bunts Tomorrow’s throw. Me wanting to impress the alums, I grab the ball and throw to First Base. Now, who has it?

Death: You got it! That’s how it’s done!

Richard: That’s how WHAT’S done?! I don’t know what I’m talking about!

Death: But you got it right!

Richard: I throw the ball to First!

Death: Yes!

Richard: So, who’s got it?!

Death: Naturally!

Richard: ...Who’s got it?

Death: Naturally.

Richard: ...I pick up the ball and throw it to First Base, so who has it?

Death: Naturally.

Richard: Naturally?

Death: Naturally.

Richard: ...I think I get it now! So, I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally!

Death: What?! No! You throw the ball to First Base!

Richard: So, who has it?

Death: Naturally!

Richard: Okay.

Death: All right.

Richard: So, I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Death: No! You throw it to Who!

Richard: Naturally.

Death: Yes!

Richard: ...That’s what I said!

Death: You did NOT!

Richard: I said I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally!

Death: No! You throw the ball to Who!

Richard: Naturally!

Death: Yes!

Richard: That’s what I said!

Death: No! Look, you ask me.

Richard: I throw the ball to who?

Death: Naturally.

Richard: All right, you ask me.

Death: You throw the ball to Who?

Richard: Naturally.

Death: See?

Richard: SAME AS YOU!

Death: No! It’s not!

Richard: SAME! AS! YOU! I PICK UP THE BALL AND THROW IT TO FIRST BASE!

Death: Then Who gets it!

Richard: ...HE BETTER GET IT! All right, whoever’s on First is a little rusty and drops the ball, so the guy runs to Second. Who then picks up the ball and throws it to What! What throws it to I Don’t Know! I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow! A triple play!

Death: Could be.

Richard: Another guy gets up and it’s a long fly ball to Because! Why? I don’t know! She’s on Third and I! DON’T! CARE!

Death: Pardon?

Richard: I said I don’t care!

Death: Oh, that’s the Short-stop!

Richard: I suppose you had Nobody on the team?!

Death: Yeah, she was Right Field.

Richard: AAARGH! (Exit Richard)

Death: ...I can’t help their names.


End file.
